I Was Convinced I Was a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Made Me Discover the Reality

In 2011, a few years ahead of the celebrated David Bowie show launched at the renowned Victoria and Albert Museum in London, I publicly announced a homosexual woman. Previously, I had exclusively dated men, including one I had entered matrimony with. After a couple of years, I found myself nearing forty-five, a newly single caregiver to four kids, residing in the America.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and attraction preferences, searching for clarity.

My birthplace was England during the dawn of the seventies era - prior to digital connectivity. When we were young, my peers and I lacked access to online forums or video sharing sites to consult when we had questions about sex; rather, we sought guidance from pop stars, and in that decade, everyone was challenging gender norms.

Annie Lennox sported masculine attire, Boy George adopted feminine outfits, and pop groups such as Erasure and Bronski Beat featured performers who were publicly out.

I desired his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his strong features and male chest. I sought to become the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I lived operating a motorcycle and adopting masculine styles, but I reverted back to traditional womanhood when I opted for marriage. My husband moved our family to the United States in 2007, but when our relationship dissolved I felt an undeniable attraction revisiting the male identity I had earlier relinquished.

Given that no one experimented with identity as dramatically as David Bowie, I decided to spend a free afternoon during a summer trip returning to England at the museum, with the expectation that perhaps he could guide my understanding.

I was uncertain specifically what I was seeking when I entered the display - possibly I anticipated that by immersing myself in the richness of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, consequently, discover a clue to my own identity.

I soon found myself standing in front of a compact monitor where the music video for "Boys Keep Swinging" was playing on repeat. Bowie was moving with assurance in the primary position, looking stylish in a dark grey suit, while positioned laterally three supporting vocalists in feminine attire gathered around a microphone.

Differing from the performers I had witnessed firsthand, these female-presenting individuals failed to move around the stage with the self-assurance of natural performers; conversely they looked disinterested and irritated. Positioned as supporting acts, they had gum in their mouths and rolled their eyes at the boredom of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a momentary pang of empathy for the backing singers, with their heavy makeup, awkward hairpieces and restrictive outfits.

They seemed to experience as uncomfortable as I did in feminine attire - annoyed and restless, as if they were longing for it all to conclude. Just as I realized I was identifying with three men dressed in drag, one of them removed her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I was absolutely sure that I wanted to rip it all off and become Bowie too. I wanted his lean physique and his defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and his masculine torso; I aimed to personify the slender-shaped, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Announcing my identity as queer was a separate matter, but personal transformation was a much more frightening possibility.

I required further time before I was ready. During that period, I did my best to adopt male characteristics: I abandoned beauty products and eliminated all my skirts and dresses, shortened my locks and started wearing masculine outfits.

I changed my seating posture, modified my gait, and adopted new identifiers, but I paused at hormonal treatment - the chance of refusal and remorse had left me paralysed with fear.

After the David Bowie show finished its world tour with a presentation in New York City, after half a decade, I returned. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be a person I wasn't.

Standing in front of the same video in 2018, I knew for certain that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been in costume since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, dancing in the spotlight, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician not long after. It took further time before my personal journey finished, but none of the fears I worried about occurred.

I continue to possess many of my traditional womanly traits, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I accept this. I sought the ability to explore expression following Bowie's example - and since I'm content with my physical form, I have that capacity.